The "inexclusive dating" & mating GAME

I am all too familiar with this game. Love it. Hate it.
All in all I've concluded that the "game" just isn't for me. I go into it thinking "YEAH, I can handle this!"
Swooned by a charm. Loving the "you make me feel like a natural (sexy) woman" feeling! The flirting and tantalizing.
Giving myself to the moment. Those moments turn to hours. Those hours turn to days. Those days turn to months.
And well, YEARS later you can find yourself still "in the game". Except, it's no longer a game. If it is- it's most certainly not a nice one.
See, we all have been fed the story of this "Sex in the City" kind of life. The way to be a free woman and do what you want -with WHOM you want. No strings attached. No commitments. Just fun!
And while ALL of that is good and dandy. It's really NOT for everyone. You have to be BUILT for it...and that's a different story entirely.

The more I've done it, the more that I realize that it's just NOT for me.
I spent 10 years - GOOD years of vibrant life- STUCK in an emotional rut and an attachment to a man who did NOT want to commit to me.
We had a lot of UPS and way too many downs. There was ONE life changing moment that should have made me walk away for good, but it didn't!
In fact- it made me feel even MORE attached to him. And there I was for 5 more years.

Truth is, the experience, while causing me huge pain and heartache, was a learning experience.
OF course, we always say that about the negative things that happen in our lives. But really, truly, it was what made me realize that this "GAME" is not the game I want to play- ever again. I learned a lot of things. Some were taught to me by this man himself.
So here were the things I learned
1. You cannot act like a crazy sexy vixen and have the fragile heart of a sensitive and passionate woman.
2. You will GET what you set up for yourself.
3. You cannot expect for someone to love you JUST because you love them.
4. DO NOT go back to the same routine and expect a different result. That's INSANE. And will drive you to it.
5. When you sense that he doesn't love you or respect you - you're right. He doesn't.
6. You deserve exactly what you THINK you deserve.
7. Do not blame other people when you get hurt. Especially when it was initially something you GLADLY participated in...until you got burned.
8. You are not made for the game if you cannot separate your heart from your intimacy/sex.
There are a lot MORE things I learned- but I won't keep going. These are just a few of the highlights.

So here I am JUST shy of 2 years after I decided to close and DEAD LOCK the door of communication and contact with this man I (thought I) loved.
And I'm still healing. Still broken sometimes. Still have crazy ridiculous thoughts of reconciling. Still think about all the deliciously passionate things we did. Still miss him for the GOOD that existed in him. Still hurt from the ugly things that happened. Still wonder... A LOT.
But what I KNOW is that I cannot go back - no matter how lonely I get.
I enjoy the person that I've become and the strength that I feel as ONE (slightly) whole person- who values herself a lot more than she ever did before.
I admire the boundaries I've created for myself. I am aware of myself- my worth, my flaws, my desires, my gifts.
I have my weak moments- because I'm human and I cannot always overcome temptation.
But I don't make myself miserable about it. I just shake it off and MOVE ON!
So, I think about the whole "dating and mating" game and I figure: it'll always be there. It's optional.
It's great for some- and not so much for others.
I can choose to "indulge" in it and take my risks. Or I can risk it by saying "No, I'll wait for what I want." And that may be the BEST risk I ever take.
Because we create what we want in our lives.
And I'm NOT so lonely. In fact- I am SURROUNDED by love.
I still draw admiration. And I smile- it makes me feel nice.
I dance. A LOT- and I love to dance because it makes me feel more self- aware. I love moving my body and thinking "you're pretty sexy!"
I dress up and look good -FOR ME. Because I like to feel like a lady in my own femininity.
I take myself out to dinner.
I go out with friends and have heart-to-heart connections through conversation and eye contact.
I catch strangers smiling at me- and I smile back at them.
I find an embrace in HUMANITY as a whole- and I cannot feel lonely. Ever.
God is always ALIVE in me. So I know he's got my back.
And I know that HE knows- that I KNOW- what I want. And I know he's going to honor my heart if I am patient and obedient. (Most of the time_)     =)

Till then, living life to the FULLEST!
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