Saturday, November 14, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
My Angel Luz Maria
Today I awaken with gratitude in my heart to be alive but on the other hand my heart is heavy because it is the day of my angel's wake: Luz Maria Luna Collazo. I am in a place of knowing that what Luz meant to me was valuable and she is a person I won't ever forget. The mother of my children, my former wife and friend are just some titles she has in my life and roles she played in my life. She truly brought joy to my heart and soul. Today I will honor her and greet the many friends and family who will be present at her wake. I have a strong feeling there will be many people who will pay their last respects to her as she was a very good person who was very giving. I for one will miss her.
I met Luz when we were both 14 years old at a party in her home. I had gone to this event because my uncle and her dad were friends. My cousin and her brother were friends too. I remember seeing her with her porcelain skin sitting in a corner of the kitchen with another girl. To this day I can not picture the other girl but Luz's image stayed stuck in my mind for years. That evening I said to myself "I want to marry her" and as life would have it we reconnected, I looked her up, dated for a year and then were married in January of 1974. I am uncertain as to why that illogical thought crossed my mind on that day when I met her but it did and as it turned out it may not have been so crazy a thought after all.
Luz and I have two daughters Taina Luz and Camille Marie. For me this is the most precious gift that anyone could have given me. Luz was the best mother ever and for her being a mom was never ending. She was always concerned about our children and their well being over her own. Her focus was being a great mom and friend and in the end she was close to our daughters. Her love for our children was never ending and she was at the center of how our children turned out so gentle, kind, generous, smart and beautiful. She was to me a wonderful mother and a great friend to them.
Luz was diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months ago. She was sent home for hospice when I went to visit her last Monday. I could tell immediately that she was struggling and she was on oxygen. I looked at her and as the hours passed she became less and less coherent. She was able to say a few words to me and thanked me for every little thing I did. She was progressing from having the ability to speak and understand to being unable to understand. Her brother had suddenly left his home to come by and used his key to enter. I was happy to see him because earlier I'd thought that this may be the day she passed. I gave her some pain medication per her request and along side her brother measured it with care and gave it to her. Slowly she fell asleep and by that time my daughter Camille had returned. Her uncle, a friend, and I all sat at the kitchen table chatting. At one point I got up to check Luz and she was breathing heavily so that I could see her chest moving. In a few minutes I suddenly decided to check on her again and this time she'd stopped breathing. She had a semi-smile on her face with her hand on her cheek leaning over as if she had gone peacefully. Afterwards my daughter and her uncle needed to verify that she was gone. At that moment I wen to the bedroom and broke down crying. My angel had died.
I will remember Luz in her dress at our wedding. She was truly a light and was stunning to put it mildly. She walked down that isle with her father and the only thing I could see was her beauty and the light that was behind her. That was for me one of the happiest moments of my life. I will remember Luz Maria in a fitted tropical print dress in Puerto Rico when I met her wonderful and embracing family. I will remember Luz's mother and father who she shared with me and who loved me as if I was their son. I will remember her for her impeccable cooking, especially her arroz con gandules. I will remember Luz as the person who was my wife and the only person I was in love with and felt harmony with. I will remember her porcelain skin and her laughter as long as I live. I will remember the day that I met her and the nights we stayed up with our baby crying. I will remember Luz Maria Collazo as the person who voluntarily loved me and stayed my friend. I will remember the woman who impacted my life in a way that no one ever has or ever will.
Rest my angel:
Love Elliott Collazo
I met Luz when we were both 14 years old at a party in her home. I had gone to this event because my uncle and her dad were friends. My cousin and her brother were friends too. I remember seeing her with her porcelain skin sitting in a corner of the kitchen with another girl. To this day I can not picture the other girl but Luz's image stayed stuck in my mind for years. That evening I said to myself "I want to marry her" and as life would have it we reconnected, I looked her up, dated for a year and then were married in January of 1974. I am uncertain as to why that illogical thought crossed my mind on that day when I met her but it did and as it turned out it may not have been so crazy a thought after all.
Luz and I have two daughters Taina Luz and Camille Marie. For me this is the most precious gift that anyone could have given me. Luz was the best mother ever and for her being a mom was never ending. She was always concerned about our children and their well being over her own. Her focus was being a great mom and friend and in the end she was close to our daughters. Her love for our children was never ending and she was at the center of how our children turned out so gentle, kind, generous, smart and beautiful. She was to me a wonderful mother and a great friend to them.
Luz was diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months ago. She was sent home for hospice when I went to visit her last Monday. I could tell immediately that she was struggling and she was on oxygen. I looked at her and as the hours passed she became less and less coherent. She was able to say a few words to me and thanked me for every little thing I did. She was progressing from having the ability to speak and understand to being unable to understand. Her brother had suddenly left his home to come by and used his key to enter. I was happy to see him because earlier I'd thought that this may be the day she passed. I gave her some pain medication per her request and along side her brother measured it with care and gave it to her. Slowly she fell asleep and by that time my daughter Camille had returned. Her uncle, a friend, and I all sat at the kitchen table chatting. At one point I got up to check Luz and she was breathing heavily so that I could see her chest moving. In a few minutes I suddenly decided to check on her again and this time she'd stopped breathing. She had a semi-smile on her face with her hand on her cheek leaning over as if she had gone peacefully. Afterwards my daughter and her uncle needed to verify that she was gone. At that moment I wen to the bedroom and broke down crying. My angel had died.
I will remember Luz in her dress at our wedding. She was truly a light and was stunning to put it mildly. She walked down that isle with her father and the only thing I could see was her beauty and the light that was behind her. That was for me one of the happiest moments of my life. I will remember Luz Maria in a fitted tropical print dress in Puerto Rico when I met her wonderful and embracing family. I will remember Luz's mother and father who she shared with me and who loved me as if I was their son. I will remember her for her impeccable cooking, especially her arroz con gandules. I will remember Luz as the person who was my wife and the only person I was in love with and felt harmony with. I will remember her porcelain skin and her laughter as long as I live. I will remember the day that I met her and the nights we stayed up with our baby crying. I will remember Luz Maria Collazo as the person who voluntarily loved me and stayed my friend. I will remember the woman who impacted my life in a way that no one ever has or ever will.
Rest my angel:
Love Elliott Collazo
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
We Are What We Have Ovecome
"I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome"
Unknown
I read this saying and it moved me to the core. I understood it immediately although for a long time I did think that I was what I have done in life that made me important and worthwhile. Today I know better and I understand that I am what I have been able to overcome in life. The cancer, the abandonment and the subsequent death of my children's mother and the pain and anguish on my granddaughter's face when she found out that her favorite grandmother had died. Nothing could prepare me for the sadness, the emotional pain, the physical torture and the fears that brought me to my knees, nothing. I have uncovered with certainty that I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome.
We are all soldiers of life and we accomplish things in our lives that have some meaning and in some cases transform us to places we have not been and affords us things that we did not think we'd ever have. It is not a bad thing to accomplish some goals in life yet it is not the things we are able to do that will in the long run make a difference as life will deal us some surprises. There will be things that will go wrong and that we will struggle with so that it will be the things that we are able to overcome that will give us the courage and the strength to move on.
We are not what we have done, we are what we have overcome. There is truly some meaning to these simple yet profound and meaningful words. We who have overcome know what it is like to move from the pain and into the joy we deserve, being able to laugh and dance again. Life may throw us some curve balls but we are once again, time and time again, able to catch them and throw the ball back. We are resilient and we have courage from sources we'd never thought. So when someone asks you what you have done, what you have accomplished in life, respond with what you have overcome and know with certainty that life is a series of trials that you will be able to overcome and learn from.
Unknown
I read this saying and it moved me to the core. I understood it immediately although for a long time I did think that I was what I have done in life that made me important and worthwhile. Today I know better and I understand that I am what I have been able to overcome in life. The cancer, the abandonment and the subsequent death of my children's mother and the pain and anguish on my granddaughter's face when she found out that her favorite grandmother had died. Nothing could prepare me for the sadness, the emotional pain, the physical torture and the fears that brought me to my knees, nothing. I have uncovered with certainty that I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome.
We are all soldiers of life and we accomplish things in our lives that have some meaning and in some cases transform us to places we have not been and affords us things that we did not think we'd ever have. It is not a bad thing to accomplish some goals in life yet it is not the things we are able to do that will in the long run make a difference as life will deal us some surprises. There will be things that will go wrong and that we will struggle with so that it will be the things that we are able to overcome that will give us the courage and the strength to move on.
We are not what we have done, we are what we have overcome. There is truly some meaning to these simple yet profound and meaningful words. We who have overcome know what it is like to move from the pain and into the joy we deserve, being able to laugh and dance again. Life may throw us some curve balls but we are once again, time and time again, able to catch them and throw the ball back. We are resilient and we have courage from sources we'd never thought. So when someone asks you what you have done, what you have accomplished in life, respond with what you have overcome and know with certainty that life is a series of trials that you will be able to overcome and learn from.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Disrupting my Spirit
I haven't written in such a long time.
Seems like I've been drowned in the chatter.
The chatter of everyday obligation and the little in between indulgences that seem all together short and meaningless. It's like I'm just trying to catch up with myself. Over and over again.
Trying to hear my inner voice in between the chatter of work work work and hussle.
The chatter of social media. Everyone is trying to SAY something. Trying to find a voice.
Wanting someone to HEAR them. To witness them. To support them. To love them. To validate them. I too, have a voice. Drowned out by all of the mundane and repetitive chatter.
Fighting to be heard. Fighting to hear myself. Fighting to hear GOD. Fighting to understand my own validity too.
And here I am- wondering when and how to do that. Knowing that it will take sacrafice. And that I can't run away from my obligations. But that I have to be selective about what I spend my spare time on. Knowing that at times it may feel like WORK. But that it's fruitful work. Creative work that will fill my soul. I can't even remember myself as being a creative person anymore. Exactly WHEN have I been creative? Exactly where and how do I execute my gifts? When do I spend the time writing, reading, singing, dancing, and feeding my SOUL?
When is there time for it? When does my mind stop thinking about all the worries and obligation long enough to reflect on my soul's longings?
Well...back to work for now.
Seems like I've been drowned in the chatter.
The chatter of everyday obligation and the little in between indulgences that seem all together short and meaningless. It's like I'm just trying to catch up with myself. Over and over again.
Trying to hear my inner voice in between the chatter of work work work and hussle.
The chatter of social media. Everyone is trying to SAY something. Trying to find a voice.
Wanting someone to HEAR them. To witness them. To support them. To love them. To validate them. I too, have a voice. Drowned out by all of the mundane and repetitive chatter.
Fighting to be heard. Fighting to hear myself. Fighting to hear GOD. Fighting to understand my own validity too.
And here I am- wondering when and how to do that. Knowing that it will take sacrafice. And that I can't run away from my obligations. But that I have to be selective about what I spend my spare time on. Knowing that at times it may feel like WORK. But that it's fruitful work. Creative work that will fill my soul. I can't even remember myself as being a creative person anymore. Exactly WHEN have I been creative? Exactly where and how do I execute my gifts? When do I spend the time writing, reading, singing, dancing, and feeding my SOUL?
When is there time for it? When does my mind stop thinking about all the worries and obligation long enough to reflect on my soul's longings?
Well...back to work for now.
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