Mami

I sit here tonight like I do many nights... thinking about the ONE person I wish I could talk to- my Mami. No matter how long it's been, each day seems like it's a new reality. Another "mind game".
I talk myself through the process like: 'Okay, she's not here anymore you know. And you're going to have to get used to this. You're going to have to accept that you will miss her FOREVER. And you know she would want you to be happy. You know she would want you to live the best life you possibly can."  And so, I force myself to get up and face the day. Again. I drag myself out of bed and do my best to polish up. Take the time to do my hair, my makeup, get dressed in something that makes me feel nice... just the way SHE would do-day after day. Even on the days I'm SURE she didn't feel like it. It's one of the things I remember about her so much. She carried herself with a lot of pride. She always wanted to look and feel her best when she left the house. Clearly, she did not have the same physical beauty she did in her earlier years- but that never stopped her!
My Mama was a beautiful human being. Her beauty was one that radiated from her HEART.
Her love gave LIFE. It gave ME life. So many days. 32 years to be more exact.
For 32 years she loved me. She made mistakes. She carried a lot of sadness in her heart. But she never became BITTER. She never allowed her defeats to consume her. She never stopped passionately loving her children, grandchildren, ex-husband, brother, family, co-workers, friends, strangers.  Everyone she came in contact with could feel the tender touch of her heart. I mean, they FELT it. She made sure of it. And yet, it was so effortless. Because it was her ESSENCE to love.
It was her essence to serve. She did it because it made her feel good. It was what she lived for.

So, I sit here tonight like I do many nights... heart broken. Tears streaming down my cheeks like waterfalls. But I know it's just the beginning...of many nights to come. And I know there will also be nights that I will laugh and be filled with joy in her memory. For now, I will be patient with myself. And I will give myself the love my Mami would give me if she were still here.