Mother

I sit here working my 10-hour shift. Ending it I should say. Just a few more minutes before I get to go home. As I watch this Netflix documentary about cooking and a woman expressing how she got to take care of her new baby and "it was wondeful". Yet again, I'm just flooded with emotions as I think about how I've not quite grown to embrace motherhood. How I wouldn't quite describe my experience (first months especially) as "wonderful". I think about how much of it I might be missing out on - while I'm just so immersed with fears, anxiety, sadness, anger, and still so grief stricken by the loss of my own mother. Wondering if I made the right choice to have my daughter -even while KNOWING she would not have a present father to love her and choose her. I am often guilt ridden at my own choice. So blinded by my pain that I cannot fully be present in those moments with my daughter. As she flourishes into her very own person- day after day. She is a such a burst of joy and so intensely emotional - so so very vibrant. Her spirit just jumps out at you. And I have these pauses, when I'm just in AWE of her. These pauses where I hold her in my arms and think "THIS MOMENT will never happen again." I try. Lord knows I DO. I want to be present at each moment- even the bitter ones that don't feel so good. I want to remind myself that this choice was part of my destiny - the predestined story. MY life book. The one that continuosly teaches me so much about myself- about my strength and weaknesses. About loving in the most enormous and sacrificial way that ever existed to man. I just don't know about this journey as a Mother- every day I am uncertain. But I suppose there is certainty in that UNcertainty. The fact that NOTHING is indeed for certain. Nothing is ever sure. No, that's not real life. And so, I have to breathe through it. Kick, scream, cry, dance, lay down and surrender. Laugh too. And never stop forgiving myself for thinking I'm not "good enough".
God said I AM- so I must be.