I sit here working my 10-hour shift. Ending it I should say. Just a few more minutes before I get to go home. As I watch this Netflix documentary about cooking and a woman expressing how she got to take care of her new baby and "it was wondeful". Yet again, I'm just flooded with emotions as I think about how I've not quite grown to embrace motherhood. How I wouldn't quite describe my experience (first months especially) as "wonderful". I think about how much of it I might be missing out on - while I'm just so immersed with fears, anxiety, sadness, anger, and still so grief stricken by the loss of my own mother. Wondering if I made the right choice to have my daughter -even while KNOWING she would not have a present father to love her and choose her. I am often guilt ridden at my own choice. So blinded by my pain that I cannot fully be present in those moments with my daughter. As she flourishes into her very own person- day after day. She is a such a burst of joy and so intensely emotional - so so very vibrant. Her spirit just jumps out at you. And I have these pauses, when I'm just in AWE of her. These pauses where I hold her in my arms and think "THIS MOMENT will never happen again." I try. Lord knows I DO. I want to be present at each moment- even the bitter ones that don't feel so good. I want to remind myself that this choice was part of my destiny - the predestined story. MY life book. The one that continuosly teaches me so much about myself- about my strength and weaknesses. About loving in the most enormous and sacrificial way that ever existed to man. I just don't know about this journey as a Mother- every day I am uncertain. But I suppose there is certainty in that UNcertainty. The fact that NOTHING is indeed for certain. Nothing is ever sure. No, that's not real life. And so, I have to breathe through it. Kick, scream, cry, dance, lay down and surrender. Laugh too. And never stop forgiving myself for thinking I'm not "good enough".
God said I AM- so I must be.
Monday, August 14, 2017
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Mami
I sit here tonight like I do many nights... thinking about the ONE person I wish I could talk to- my Mami. No matter how long it's been, each day seems like it's a new reality. Another "mind game".
I talk myself through the process like: 'Okay, she's not here anymore you know. And you're going to have to get used to this. You're going to have to accept that you will miss her FOREVER. And you know she would want you to be happy. You know she would want you to live the best life you possibly can." And so, I force myself to get up and face the day. Again. I drag myself out of bed and do my best to polish up. Take the time to do my hair, my makeup, get dressed in something that makes me feel nice... just the way SHE would do-day after day. Even on the days I'm SURE she didn't feel like it. It's one of the things I remember about her so much. She carried herself with a lot of pride. She always wanted to look and feel her best when she left the house. Clearly, she did not have the same physical beauty she did in her earlier years- but that never stopped her!
My Mama was a beautiful human being. Her beauty was one that radiated from her HEART.
Her love gave LIFE. It gave ME life. So many days. 32 years to be more exact.
For 32 years she loved me. She made mistakes. She carried a lot of sadness in her heart. But she never became BITTER. She never allowed her defeats to consume her. She never stopped passionately loving her children, grandchildren, ex-husband, brother, family, co-workers, friends, strangers. Everyone she came in contact with could feel the tender touch of her heart. I mean, they FELT it. She made sure of it. And yet, it was so effortless. Because it was her ESSENCE to love.
It was her essence to serve. She did it because it made her feel good. It was what she lived for.
So, I sit here tonight like I do many nights... heart broken. Tears streaming down my cheeks like waterfalls. But I know it's just the beginning...of many nights to come. And I know there will also be nights that I will laugh and be filled with joy in her memory. For now, I will be patient with myself. And I will give myself the love my Mami would give me if she were still here.
I talk myself through the process like: 'Okay, she's not here anymore you know. And you're going to have to get used to this. You're going to have to accept that you will miss her FOREVER. And you know she would want you to be happy. You know she would want you to live the best life you possibly can." And so, I force myself to get up and face the day. Again. I drag myself out of bed and do my best to polish up. Take the time to do my hair, my makeup, get dressed in something that makes me feel nice... just the way SHE would do-day after day. Even on the days I'm SURE she didn't feel like it. It's one of the things I remember about her so much. She carried herself with a lot of pride. She always wanted to look and feel her best when she left the house. Clearly, she did not have the same physical beauty she did in her earlier years- but that never stopped her!
My Mama was a beautiful human being. Her beauty was one that radiated from her HEART.
Her love gave LIFE. It gave ME life. So many days. 32 years to be more exact.
For 32 years she loved me. She made mistakes. She carried a lot of sadness in her heart. But she never became BITTER. She never allowed her defeats to consume her. She never stopped passionately loving her children, grandchildren, ex-husband, brother, family, co-workers, friends, strangers. Everyone she came in contact with could feel the tender touch of her heart. I mean, they FELT it. She made sure of it. And yet, it was so effortless. Because it was her ESSENCE to love.
It was her essence to serve. She did it because it made her feel good. It was what she lived for.
So, I sit here tonight like I do many nights... heart broken. Tears streaming down my cheeks like waterfalls. But I know it's just the beginning...of many nights to come. And I know there will also be nights that I will laugh and be filled with joy in her memory. For now, I will be patient with myself. And I will give myself the love my Mami would give me if she were still here.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
My Angel Luz Maria
Today I awaken with gratitude in my heart to be alive but on the other hand my heart is heavy because it is the day of my angel's wake: Luz Maria Luna Collazo. I am in a place of knowing that what Luz meant to me was valuable and she is a person I won't ever forget. The mother of my children, my former wife and friend are just some titles she has in my life and roles she played in my life. She truly brought joy to my heart and soul. Today I will honor her and greet the many friends and family who will be present at her wake. I have a strong feeling there will be many people who will pay their last respects to her as she was a very good person who was very giving. I for one will miss her.
I met Luz when we were both 14 years old at a party in her home. I had gone to this event because my uncle and her dad were friends. My cousin and her brother were friends too. I remember seeing her with her porcelain skin sitting in a corner of the kitchen with another girl. To this day I can not picture the other girl but Luz's image stayed stuck in my mind for years. That evening I said to myself "I want to marry her" and as life would have it we reconnected, I looked her up, dated for a year and then were married in January of 1974. I am uncertain as to why that illogical thought crossed my mind on that day when I met her but it did and as it turned out it may not have been so crazy a thought after all.
Luz and I have two daughters Taina Luz and Camille Marie. For me this is the most precious gift that anyone could have given me. Luz was the best mother ever and for her being a mom was never ending. She was always concerned about our children and their well being over her own. Her focus was being a great mom and friend and in the end she was close to our daughters. Her love for our children was never ending and she was at the center of how our children turned out so gentle, kind, generous, smart and beautiful. She was to me a wonderful mother and a great friend to them.
Luz was diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months ago. She was sent home for hospice when I went to visit her last Monday. I could tell immediately that she was struggling and she was on oxygen. I looked at her and as the hours passed she became less and less coherent. She was able to say a few words to me and thanked me for every little thing I did. She was progressing from having the ability to speak and understand to being unable to understand. Her brother had suddenly left his home to come by and used his key to enter. I was happy to see him because earlier I'd thought that this may be the day she passed. I gave her some pain medication per her request and along side her brother measured it with care and gave it to her. Slowly she fell asleep and by that time my daughter Camille had returned. Her uncle, a friend, and I all sat at the kitchen table chatting. At one point I got up to check Luz and she was breathing heavily so that I could see her chest moving. In a few minutes I suddenly decided to check on her again and this time she'd stopped breathing. She had a semi-smile on her face with her hand on her cheek leaning over as if she had gone peacefully. Afterwards my daughter and her uncle needed to verify that she was gone. At that moment I wen to the bedroom and broke down crying. My angel had died.
I will remember Luz in her dress at our wedding. She was truly a light and was stunning to put it mildly. She walked down that isle with her father and the only thing I could see was her beauty and the light that was behind her. That was for me one of the happiest moments of my life. I will remember Luz Maria in a fitted tropical print dress in Puerto Rico when I met her wonderful and embracing family. I will remember Luz's mother and father who she shared with me and who loved me as if I was their son. I will remember her for her impeccable cooking, especially her arroz con gandules. I will remember Luz as the person who was my wife and the only person I was in love with and felt harmony with. I will remember her porcelain skin and her laughter as long as I live. I will remember the day that I met her and the nights we stayed up with our baby crying. I will remember Luz Maria Collazo as the person who voluntarily loved me and stayed my friend. I will remember the woman who impacted my life in a way that no one ever has or ever will.
Rest my angel:
Love Elliott Collazo
I met Luz when we were both 14 years old at a party in her home. I had gone to this event because my uncle and her dad were friends. My cousin and her brother were friends too. I remember seeing her with her porcelain skin sitting in a corner of the kitchen with another girl. To this day I can not picture the other girl but Luz's image stayed stuck in my mind for years. That evening I said to myself "I want to marry her" and as life would have it we reconnected, I looked her up, dated for a year and then were married in January of 1974. I am uncertain as to why that illogical thought crossed my mind on that day when I met her but it did and as it turned out it may not have been so crazy a thought after all.
Luz and I have two daughters Taina Luz and Camille Marie. For me this is the most precious gift that anyone could have given me. Luz was the best mother ever and for her being a mom was never ending. She was always concerned about our children and their well being over her own. Her focus was being a great mom and friend and in the end she was close to our daughters. Her love for our children was never ending and she was at the center of how our children turned out so gentle, kind, generous, smart and beautiful. She was to me a wonderful mother and a great friend to them.
Luz was diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months ago. She was sent home for hospice when I went to visit her last Monday. I could tell immediately that she was struggling and she was on oxygen. I looked at her and as the hours passed she became less and less coherent. She was able to say a few words to me and thanked me for every little thing I did. She was progressing from having the ability to speak and understand to being unable to understand. Her brother had suddenly left his home to come by and used his key to enter. I was happy to see him because earlier I'd thought that this may be the day she passed. I gave her some pain medication per her request and along side her brother measured it with care and gave it to her. Slowly she fell asleep and by that time my daughter Camille had returned. Her uncle, a friend, and I all sat at the kitchen table chatting. At one point I got up to check Luz and she was breathing heavily so that I could see her chest moving. In a few minutes I suddenly decided to check on her again and this time she'd stopped breathing. She had a semi-smile on her face with her hand on her cheek leaning over as if she had gone peacefully. Afterwards my daughter and her uncle needed to verify that she was gone. At that moment I wen to the bedroom and broke down crying. My angel had died.
I will remember Luz in her dress at our wedding. She was truly a light and was stunning to put it mildly. She walked down that isle with her father and the only thing I could see was her beauty and the light that was behind her. That was for me one of the happiest moments of my life. I will remember Luz Maria in a fitted tropical print dress in Puerto Rico when I met her wonderful and embracing family. I will remember Luz's mother and father who she shared with me and who loved me as if I was their son. I will remember her for her impeccable cooking, especially her arroz con gandules. I will remember Luz as the person who was my wife and the only person I was in love with and felt harmony with. I will remember her porcelain skin and her laughter as long as I live. I will remember the day that I met her and the nights we stayed up with our baby crying. I will remember Luz Maria Collazo as the person who voluntarily loved me and stayed my friend. I will remember the woman who impacted my life in a way that no one ever has or ever will.
Rest my angel:
Love Elliott Collazo
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
We Are What We Have Ovecome
"I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome"
Unknown
I read this saying and it moved me to the core. I understood it immediately although for a long time I did think that I was what I have done in life that made me important and worthwhile. Today I know better and I understand that I am what I have been able to overcome in life. The cancer, the abandonment and the subsequent death of my children's mother and the pain and anguish on my granddaughter's face when she found out that her favorite grandmother had died. Nothing could prepare me for the sadness, the emotional pain, the physical torture and the fears that brought me to my knees, nothing. I have uncovered with certainty that I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome.
We are all soldiers of life and we accomplish things in our lives that have some meaning and in some cases transform us to places we have not been and affords us things that we did not think we'd ever have. It is not a bad thing to accomplish some goals in life yet it is not the things we are able to do that will in the long run make a difference as life will deal us some surprises. There will be things that will go wrong and that we will struggle with so that it will be the things that we are able to overcome that will give us the courage and the strength to move on.
We are not what we have done, we are what we have overcome. There is truly some meaning to these simple yet profound and meaningful words. We who have overcome know what it is like to move from the pain and into the joy we deserve, being able to laugh and dance again. Life may throw us some curve balls but we are once again, time and time again, able to catch them and throw the ball back. We are resilient and we have courage from sources we'd never thought. So when someone asks you what you have done, what you have accomplished in life, respond with what you have overcome and know with certainty that life is a series of trials that you will be able to overcome and learn from.
Unknown
I read this saying and it moved me to the core. I understood it immediately although for a long time I did think that I was what I have done in life that made me important and worthwhile. Today I know better and I understand that I am what I have been able to overcome in life. The cancer, the abandonment and the subsequent death of my children's mother and the pain and anguish on my granddaughter's face when she found out that her favorite grandmother had died. Nothing could prepare me for the sadness, the emotional pain, the physical torture and the fears that brought me to my knees, nothing. I have uncovered with certainty that I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome.
We are all soldiers of life and we accomplish things in our lives that have some meaning and in some cases transform us to places we have not been and affords us things that we did not think we'd ever have. It is not a bad thing to accomplish some goals in life yet it is not the things we are able to do that will in the long run make a difference as life will deal us some surprises. There will be things that will go wrong and that we will struggle with so that it will be the things that we are able to overcome that will give us the courage and the strength to move on.
We are not what we have done, we are what we have overcome. There is truly some meaning to these simple yet profound and meaningful words. We who have overcome know what it is like to move from the pain and into the joy we deserve, being able to laugh and dance again. Life may throw us some curve balls but we are once again, time and time again, able to catch them and throw the ball back. We are resilient and we have courage from sources we'd never thought. So when someone asks you what you have done, what you have accomplished in life, respond with what you have overcome and know with certainty that life is a series of trials that you will be able to overcome and learn from.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Disrupting my Spirit
I haven't written in such a long time.
Seems like I've been drowned in the chatter.
The chatter of everyday obligation and the little in between indulgences that seem all together short and meaningless. It's like I'm just trying to catch up with myself. Over and over again.
Trying to hear my inner voice in between the chatter of work work work and hussle.
The chatter of social media. Everyone is trying to SAY something. Trying to find a voice.
Wanting someone to HEAR them. To witness them. To support them. To love them. To validate them. I too, have a voice. Drowned out by all of the mundane and repetitive chatter.
Fighting to be heard. Fighting to hear myself. Fighting to hear GOD. Fighting to understand my own validity too.
And here I am- wondering when and how to do that. Knowing that it will take sacrafice. And that I can't run away from my obligations. But that I have to be selective about what I spend my spare time on. Knowing that at times it may feel like WORK. But that it's fruitful work. Creative work that will fill my soul. I can't even remember myself as being a creative person anymore. Exactly WHEN have I been creative? Exactly where and how do I execute my gifts? When do I spend the time writing, reading, singing, dancing, and feeding my SOUL?
When is there time for it? When does my mind stop thinking about all the worries and obligation long enough to reflect on my soul's longings?
Well...back to work for now.
Seems like I've been drowned in the chatter.
The chatter of everyday obligation and the little in between indulgences that seem all together short and meaningless. It's like I'm just trying to catch up with myself. Over and over again.
Trying to hear my inner voice in between the chatter of work work work and hussle.
The chatter of social media. Everyone is trying to SAY something. Trying to find a voice.
Wanting someone to HEAR them. To witness them. To support them. To love them. To validate them. I too, have a voice. Drowned out by all of the mundane and repetitive chatter.
Fighting to be heard. Fighting to hear myself. Fighting to hear GOD. Fighting to understand my own validity too.
And here I am- wondering when and how to do that. Knowing that it will take sacrafice. And that I can't run away from my obligations. But that I have to be selective about what I spend my spare time on. Knowing that at times it may feel like WORK. But that it's fruitful work. Creative work that will fill my soul. I can't even remember myself as being a creative person anymore. Exactly WHEN have I been creative? Exactly where and how do I execute my gifts? When do I spend the time writing, reading, singing, dancing, and feeding my SOUL?
When is there time for it? When does my mind stop thinking about all the worries and obligation long enough to reflect on my soul's longings?
Well...back to work for now.
Monday, November 10, 2014
The "inexclusive dating" & mating GAME
I am all too familiar with this game. Love it. Hate it.
All in all I've concluded that the "game" just isn't for me. I go into it thinking "YEAH, I can handle this!"
Swooned by a charm. Loving the "you make me feel like a natural (sexy) woman" feeling! The flirting and tantalizing.
Giving myself to the moment. Those moments turn to hours. Those hours turn to days. Those days turn to months.
And well, YEARS later you can find yourself still "in the game". Except, it's no longer a game. If it is- it's most certainly not a nice one.
See, we all have been fed the story of this "Sex in the City" kind of life. The way to be a free woman and do what you want -with WHOM you want. No strings attached. No commitments. Just fun!
And while ALL of that is good and dandy. It's really NOT for everyone. You have to be BUILT for it...and that's a different story entirely.
The more I've done it, the more that I realize that it's just NOT for me.
I spent 10 years - GOOD years of vibrant life- STUCK in an emotional rut and an attachment to a man who did NOT want to commit to me.
We had a lot of UPS and way too many downs. There was ONE life changing moment that should have made me walk away for good, but it didn't!
In fact- it made me feel even MORE attached to him. And there I was for 5 more years.
Truth is, the experience, while causing me huge pain and heartache, was a learning experience.
OF course, we always say that about the negative things that happen in our lives. But really, truly, it was what made me realize that this "GAME" is not the game I want to play- ever again. I learned a lot of things. Some were taught to me by this man himself.
So here were the things I learned
1. You cannot act like a crazy sexy vixen and have the fragile heart of a sensitive and passionate woman.
2. You will GET what you set up for yourself.
3. You cannot expect for someone to love you JUST because you love them.
4. DO NOT go back to the same routine and expect a different result. That's INSANE. And will drive you to it.
5. When you sense that he doesn't love you or respect you - you're right. He doesn't.
6. You deserve exactly what you THINK you deserve.
7. Do not blame other people when you get hurt. Especially when it was initially something you GLADLY participated in...until you got burned.
8. You are not made for the game if you cannot separate your heart from your intimacy/sex.
There are a lot MORE things I learned- but I won't keep going. These are just a few of the highlights.
So here I am JUST shy of 2 years after I decided to close and DEAD LOCK the door of communication and contact with this man I (thought I) loved.
And I'm still healing. Still broken sometimes. Still have crazy ridiculous thoughts of reconciling. Still think about all the deliciously passionate things we did. Still miss him for the GOOD that existed in him. Still hurt from the ugly things that happened. Still wonder... A LOT.
But what I KNOW is that I cannot go back - no matter how lonely I get.
I enjoy the person that I've become and the strength that I feel as ONE (slightly) whole person- who values herself a lot more than she ever did before.
I admire the boundaries I've created for myself. I am aware of myself- my worth, my flaws, my desires, my gifts.
I have my weak moments- because I'm human and I cannot always overcome temptation.
But I don't make myself miserable about it. I just shake it off and MOVE ON!
So, I think about the whole "dating and mating" game and I figure: it'll always be there. It's optional.
It's great for some- and not so much for others.
I can choose to "indulge" in it and take my risks. Or I can risk it by saying "No, I'll wait for what I want." And that may be the BEST risk I ever take.
Because we create what we want in our lives.
And I'm NOT so lonely. In fact- I am SURROUNDED by love.
I still draw admiration. And I smile- it makes me feel nice.
I dance. A LOT- and I love to dance because it makes me feel more self- aware. I love moving my body and thinking "you're pretty sexy!"
I dress up and look good -FOR ME. Because I like to feel like a lady in my own femininity.
I take myself out to dinner.
I go out with friends and have heart-to-heart connections through conversation and eye contact.
I catch strangers smiling at me- and I smile back at them.
I find an embrace in HUMANITY as a whole- and I cannot feel lonely. Ever.
God is always ALIVE in me. So I know he's got my back.
And I know that HE knows- that I KNOW- what I want. And I know he's going to honor my heart if I am patient and obedient. (Most of the time_) =)
Till then, living life to the FULLEST!
--
All in all I've concluded that the "game" just isn't for me. I go into it thinking "YEAH, I can handle this!"
Swooned by a charm. Loving the "you make me feel like a natural (sexy) woman" feeling! The flirting and tantalizing.
Giving myself to the moment. Those moments turn to hours. Those hours turn to days. Those days turn to months.
And well, YEARS later you can find yourself still "in the game". Except, it's no longer a game. If it is- it's most certainly not a nice one.
See, we all have been fed the story of this "Sex in the City" kind of life. The way to be a free woman and do what you want -with WHOM you want. No strings attached. No commitments. Just fun!
And while ALL of that is good and dandy. It's really NOT for everyone. You have to be BUILT for it...and that's a different story entirely.
The more I've done it, the more that I realize that it's just NOT for me.
I spent 10 years - GOOD years of vibrant life- STUCK in an emotional rut and an attachment to a man who did NOT want to commit to me.
We had a lot of UPS and way too many downs. There was ONE life changing moment that should have made me walk away for good, but it didn't!
In fact- it made me feel even MORE attached to him. And there I was for 5 more years.
Truth is, the experience, while causing me huge pain and heartache, was a learning experience.
OF course, we always say that about the negative things that happen in our lives. But really, truly, it was what made me realize that this "GAME" is not the game I want to play- ever again. I learned a lot of things. Some were taught to me by this man himself.
So here were the things I learned
1. You cannot act like a crazy sexy vixen and have the fragile heart of a sensitive and passionate woman.
2. You will GET what you set up for yourself.
3. You cannot expect for someone to love you JUST because you love them.
4. DO NOT go back to the same routine and expect a different result. That's INSANE. And will drive you to it.
5. When you sense that he doesn't love you or respect you - you're right. He doesn't.
6. You deserve exactly what you THINK you deserve.
7. Do not blame other people when you get hurt. Especially when it was initially something you GLADLY participated in...until you got burned.
8. You are not made for the game if you cannot separate your heart from your intimacy/sex.
There are a lot MORE things I learned- but I won't keep going. These are just a few of the highlights.
So here I am JUST shy of 2 years after I decided to close and DEAD LOCK the door of communication and contact with this man I (thought I) loved.
And I'm still healing. Still broken sometimes. Still have crazy ridiculous thoughts of reconciling. Still think about all the deliciously passionate things we did. Still miss him for the GOOD that existed in him. Still hurt from the ugly things that happened. Still wonder... A LOT.
But what I KNOW is that I cannot go back - no matter how lonely I get.
I enjoy the person that I've become and the strength that I feel as ONE (slightly) whole person- who values herself a lot more than she ever did before.
I admire the boundaries I've created for myself. I am aware of myself- my worth, my flaws, my desires, my gifts.
I have my weak moments- because I'm human and I cannot always overcome temptation.
But I don't make myself miserable about it. I just shake it off and MOVE ON!
So, I think about the whole "dating and mating" game and I figure: it'll always be there. It's optional.
It's great for some- and not so much for others.
I can choose to "indulge" in it and take my risks. Or I can risk it by saying "No, I'll wait for what I want." And that may be the BEST risk I ever take.
Because we create what we want in our lives.
And I'm NOT so lonely. In fact- I am SURROUNDED by love.
I still draw admiration. And I smile- it makes me feel nice.
I dance. A LOT- and I love to dance because it makes me feel more self- aware. I love moving my body and thinking "you're pretty sexy!"
I dress up and look good -FOR ME. Because I like to feel like a lady in my own femininity.
I take myself out to dinner.
I go out with friends and have heart-to-heart connections through conversation and eye contact.
I catch strangers smiling at me- and I smile back at them.
I find an embrace in HUMANITY as a whole- and I cannot feel lonely. Ever.
God is always ALIVE in me. So I know he's got my back.
And I know that HE knows- that I KNOW- what I want. And I know he's going to honor my heart if I am patient and obedient. (Most of the time_) =)
Till then, living life to the FULLEST!
--
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